Assassin's Creed: Black Fag
by TheAutisticDuo
Summary: Edward Kenway, James Kidd, and Black Bard venture out into the Caribbean looking for love or someshit I dunno just fucking read it.
1. Chapter 1

Edward Kenway was on his ship singing sea shanties with his crew of hot seamen. "YO HO YO HO AND A BOTTLE OF CUM!" Shouted Edward and in perfect sync all of his crew turned their heads to him. "Its rum, Captain." Said Edward's black first mate who's name I forget.

Edward looks at him straight in the eyes and winks, "It's cum now... And I want the crew to fill up all the empty rum bottles with their own lil seamen."

His first mate turns to the crew, "YOU HEARD 'EM LADDIES! FILL ALL THE EMPTY BOTTLES WITH CUM!" The crew did not object, for they loved their captain and would do anything for him. Edward and his crew were a nice little seamen family.

But Black Bard's ship was much different than Edward Kennedy's. His ship was filled with pain and bad music. His crew was miserable, but if they disobeyed they would be rewarded with Black Bard taking out his black flute, greased with finger prints and grime, and he would play Tunak Tunak Tun. Their ears would bleed and their brains would melt from their noses, and so his crew, like the miserable slaves they were, would do every word Black Bard ordered in fear of the flute.

And then there was Captain James Kidd. Also known as Mary Read(his drag queen name). Kidd is a 14 year old genderfluid boy. He dresses up as a girl to try to get into Edward's pants, but sadly, as James didn't know, Edward only frick fracks with his men.


	2. Chapter 2

And so these three fine gentlemen met one day on the sandy beaches of Nassau. Edward was cuddling with one of his crew as they watched the sun set over the ocean when Black Bard showed up, angry and itching to try out his new song at the tavern.

People screamed as Black Bard jumped on the table and pulled out his flute, "ARR GIMME UR MEDICINES OR HEAR THE WRATH OF MY FLUTE, MATEYS!" Black Bard cried as he took out his flute. Edward looked over his shoulder at all the commotion. Then he stood at the look of trouble and decided to go throw himself right into the middle of it because he's a main character and that's what main characters do.

"You need WHAT?" Edward demands.

Black Bard looks him straight in the eyes, "Medicine. For me crew's ears. Ear medicine."

"I'm Welsh." Says Edward.

"AHOY MATIES!" Edward and Black Bard look over to a 14 year old boy dressed in drag standing on the tavern roof, "I'M AN ATTRACTIVE, VULNERABLE FEMALE! AND I AM LOOKING FOR THE GREAT SEXXXX!"

"But I'm Welsh." Edward replies to him.

Black Bard raises his flute at him, "AYE! BUT ONLY IF YOU GIVE ME MEDICINE!"

James Kidd smiles at him, "MY GENITAL FLUIDS CAN CURE ANY DISEASE! ESPECIALLY THE DISEASE OF VIRGINITY, LAD!"

"Guys guess what? I'm Welsh." Edward points out.

James Kidd's comment angered the Black Bard. "ARR I NEED REAL MEDICINE!" He cried. Then he raised his flute to his mouth and began to play just before Edward had time to declare what nationality he was. The tavern screamed as terrible flute music poured over them. James Kidd fell off the roof and into a haystack and then began shoving hay into his ears but to no avail.

When suddenly, Stede shouted with his dumb face, "Wow that's a really lovely song, Black Bard!" And he waved to the three of them, "Hi guys! I finally got someone to buy my sugar! Nice song, Black Bard!" Black Bard stopped playing. He wondered why someone would like his music. And it kind of flattered him. But then he realized it was only Stede and Stede is fucking retarded and he stopped feeling flattered.

He turned back to James Kidd and Edward Kenway. "Aye lads! Let's go get us some medicine from a Man 'o War, then!"

"But first let's acknowledge that I'm Welsh."Edward suggested.

"How about first we have the great sex first, laddies?" Suggested James Kidd, "right here in the tavern. So the people can join in."

And so the three lovable pirates sat in the tavern with Stede waving at them in the distance talking about how someone finally bought his sugar, as the pirates agreed on acknowledging Edward was Welsh, stealing the medicine, and then having a huge orgy with all the crew members of each pirate ship. It was a great plan. One that all three wanted to follow.


	3. Chapter 3

And so our three lovable pirates set for the docks where their ships were.

Black Bard looks out at his ship, the Queen Ann's Cleavage, and puts his hands proudly on his hips and smiles, "That be me mighty vessel there, boys." He pointed to his ship.

"Mine is over there. It's called the Jackdaw." Edward points to his ship and stares at it in admiration. Not sure if that's even the right word but fuck you.

Black Bard raises an eyebrow at Edward, "Ye named yer ship after a bird?" Then he began to laugh. His laugh disrupted James as James was touching himself and he stared at them all in confusion.

Edward looks at Black Bard, "Aye. Jackdaw is Welsh for xXPuSsYSlAyErXx"

"Now I've got to say that name makes me a moist man!" James pointed out. Cum dripping from his fingernails.

"I like your ship's name, Mr. Kenway!" Stede pointed out with his dumb Stede face. Edward felt pleased, then remembered it was Stede and Stede didn't matter so he felt bad about his shitty ship name.

"Shall we set sail then, my crusty seamen?" Suggested Black Bard.

"First, we must acknowledge that I am Welsh." Replied Edward.

"Can't we just skip all the steps and just go straight to the orgy, lads?" Asked James. Edward ignored him and did a super cool ninja back flip onto a pole. He looked down at the other pirates and announced, "I'm Welsh!" And Stede began cheering. Then Edward cum shotted his face and he fell over. James enjoyed the cum shot,"Captain Edward sir? May I also have a bit of your cum?"

"Aye, lad!" Edward replied and then shot his cum onto James and James began rubbing it all over his face.

Black Bard went into his ship and pulled out his flute, "EY BOYS! RELEASE THE SAILS! WE'RE GETTING THE DAMN MEDICINE!"

Edward jumped onto his boat. He gave a few of his men some affectionate pats on the dicks before getting up to the wheel, "Alright lads! I'm Welsh!"

And James got onto his boat of drag queens and gay boys, "The feel of cum against my skin makes my timbers shiver!"

And Stede got onto his inflatable dingy with a pirate flag pole duct taped to the back. He called out to the pirates, "Hey guys! You look like mighty fine, adventurous young strapping men up there!" He chuckled, "I just wanted to tell you all how excited I am to be a part of your adventures!"

And so the pirates, and fucking stupid ass Stede, set out to find a Man o' War. But little did they know that every Man o' War in the Carribean was sailing under the command of that Spanish cowboy and the guy who looks like he was dick slapped too hard...


	4. Chapter 4

They sailed for weeks, and haven't even seen one Man 'o War. And Black Bard was getting impatient. He roared a mighty roar and looked over to Edward on his boat singing sea shanties with his crew, "WHERE ARE THE MAN WARS?!" Black Bard demanded.

Edward turns to him, and with a friendly grin, he exclaims, "I'm Welsh!"

Black Bard got really really mad. His face turned beet red and his hair lit on fire, "BUT WHERE ARE THE MAN WARS?"

"Captain Black Bard," James Kidd said from the boat beside The Queen Ann's Cleavage, "If you don't calm down I'm gonna have ta jerk you off again."

Black Bard shivered at the thought of being jacked off so hard the first layer of skin on his dick would be scraped away. He looks over at James, "YOU KEEP YER PREPUBESCENT HANDS OFF MY DICK!" He shouted.

James Kidd sunk his head low in sadness, "Edward likes the way I jerk off...don't ye Edward?" He raised his head to Edward and stares at him with hopeful eyes.

"Aye!" Edward replied, "But I rather my first mate jerk me off! It brings me and my crew closer together!"

"Uh, excuse me Mr. Kenway," Fucking stupid Stede called out from his dingy, "But do you think you could let me jerk you off too?" He asked with that stupid face that he always does where his mouth is partially open and he has a dumb fucking smile.

Kenway ignored him. Because fuck Stede.

It was then that James Kidd lowered the Spyglass from his eye and pointed towards a ship out in the distance, "MAN 'O WAR!" He cried. Black Bard, Kenny, and Stede all turned their heads in perfect sync. Black Bard's eyes widened with ambition as he spotted the boat. He pulled out his sword and raised it into the air, "ARRR! LET'S STEAL US SOME MEDICINES!" Then all three pirates, and Stede, turned their boats and headed towards the Man 'o War.


	5. Chapter 5

Rogers and Julian du Casse were chilling on the Man o' War playing with their elegant penises and comparing sizes. Some would argue this was extremely gay, which it no doubtibly was, but the two didn't think so.

Rogers looked over at Julian as he stroked it and smiled, "Mine is far larger than yours, du Casse."

"Si sinor!" Julian replied with a supporting smile.

In reality, Julian's dick was far bigger than Rogers', but he had a special talent of contracting it. It made Rogers feel good about himself, and in return Julian felt good about himself. It was a nice little relationship they had. But Templars they were, and so they would have to die.

It was then when one of the nasal seamen came running into the captain's quarters, "SIR! WE'RE BEING ATTACKED BY KENNEDY!"

Rogers gasped. Then he glared at the image of Captain Edward Kenway. "Edward..." He mumbled in anger. Then he stood and grabbed his sword and pushed the nasal seaman out of the way as he stormed out onto the deck. Julian followed him with a flick of his poncho.

Out on the deck, Edward was singing sea shanties with his crew as both him and the other two pirates' crews clashed cutlasses against the nasal seamen. Kenway was cumshotting the crew down as James Kidd was jerking them off to death and Black Bard played his flute.

"KENWAY!" Rogers cried.

Edward turned his head to Rogers and smiled as he remembered the day James Kidd dick slapped him so hard his face shattered, "Aye, matey!" He called back.

Rogers was very very unpleased with what Edward has done to his seamen. He roared a mighty roar and whipped out his cock, "I WANT REVENGE ON WHAT KIDD DID TO MY FACE!" He screamed.

"Aye!" James Kidd shouted from the top of the mast, "You dare touch me with that grimey noodle I'll have ta slap you across the other cheek you little wankar!"

Rogers gritted his teeth, then began wildly flinging his cock in random directions. Edward moved out of the way as Rogers's dick gained some momentum. Rogers screamed as he realized he's lost control of his cock. It flew around the ship, dragging him with it. Then suddenly, as Black Bard was standing atop the railing playing his flute, Rogers' dick went flying across his face. Edward and James Kidd gasped and their eyes widened as the dick made contact with Black Bard's cheek. Bloody teeth and saliva sprayed from his mouth as his flute fell overboard and his entire body was flung onto the deck. He landed hard, bouncing a few times. The greasy, bruising imprint of Rogers's cock was plastured across Black Bard's face.

"BLACK BARD! NO!" Edward and Kidd shouted as they jumped over to Black Bard.

Rogers, feeling proud of his accomplishments, went back into his captain's quarters along with Julian.

Edward's and James Kidd's eyes were watery as they leaned over Black Bard. Black Bard coughed and a spray of blood escaped his mouth. He looked up at Edward and brought a shaking, weak hand up and onto Edward's cheek, "T-take care of my flute..."

Edward didn't have the heart to tell him his flute fell overboard, so he just pressed Black Bard's hand against his own cheek as James Kidd watched and wiped a tear from his face. Edward's eyes widened in panic as Black Bard's eyes became dull and his hand fell from Edward's cheek. "No, no!" Edward shouted. He grabbed Black Bard's shoulders and tried to shake him back to consciousness.

Black Bard coughed once again and looked up at Edward, "I have...one...final request."

Edward stared at him with teary eyes.

Black Bard wheezed before he spoke again, "G...gimme cummies, daddy..." With that, Black Bard fell limp.

Dead.

Edward and Kidd sat silent for a moment looking down at Black Bard. Finally, Edward stood up and Kidd followed his lead when Stede with his dumb Stede face showed up waving Black Bard's flute around, "Hey Black Bard! Mr. Black Bard, sir? You dropped your flute, haha!" He shouted as he ran over to Black Bard's dead, dick slapped body. Stede looked down at Black Bard and his dumb smile turned to a dumb frown, "Oh...that's not good." Then his attention focused to Edward and Kidd as they slowly strolled back to their boats, "Captain Kenway!" Stede called out as he ran after them, "Hey! Edward! Black Bard died but I have his flute!"

Edward ignored Stede, because fuck Stede.

"What will we do now, Kenway?" Asked Kidd, "It better be that orgy y'all promised me or I'm getting Rogers to dick slap me next."

Edward grabbed onto his boat steering wheel and looked out at the ocean, "We carry out Black Bard's last wish. We will give him cummies."


End file.
